Catch a Failing Star
by Carbuncle
Summary: In a brand new fanfic, Cloud is offered a part on a popular daytime soap opera. His success is short lived though, and soon he must deal with the rejection a washed up star receives.


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Catch a Failing Star  
  
(Open to 7th Heaven, the bar. Tifa is sorting through the mail.)  
Tifa: (reading) "Shin-Ra HQ?" I wonder what this could be. (opens the letter) Oh, goodness!  
Cloud: (walks in) What's that, Tifa?  
Tifa: It's from Shin-Ra TV. You remember that reality TV show we took part in last winter, right?  
Cloud: The what now?  
Tifa: You know, that show that had us being filmed live here at home twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.  
Cloud: ...uh.  
Tifa: They put cameras in every room in the house!  
Cloud: ...oh, um. Well, no, I can't really remember it, but go ahead anyway.  
Tifa: Well it turns out we didn't even pick up our check yet. We were entitled to a thousand gil each after the show ended, but none of us went up to claim it.  
Cloud: Oh, well, I'm not doing anything today. I'll go up to the TV studio and get our money.  
Tifa: Try not to be long though, Cloud. Barrett wants to show us his ingrowing toenail after lunch, so don't dawdle.  
Cloud: I'll be as fast as I can. Catch you later.  
  
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, the 33rd floor, the television studio. Actors, actresses, writers, producers and cameramen are walking around as well as doing various other things on the set of the soap opera "Natural Causes". Cloud comes out of the elevator.)  
Director: (sitting in a chair, holding a megaphone) All right, everyone! Let's take it from the top! Three, two, one, action!  
Actor #1: Oh, Julia, tell me. Tell me it isn't true. Tell me you didn't... sleep with Chad.  
Actress: I'm sorry, Todd, but... I can't do that.  
Actor #1: Then...? Oh, God, no... Julia, how could you?  
Actress: I didn't mean to, Todd. It was just a spur of the moment thing. I'd had a lot to drink, he told me I had a nice body, he put his hand up my skirt, and, well, do I really need to go on?  
Actor #1: (with his hand down his pants) Yes, please do. This is quite arousing.  
Director: Cut! That isn't in the script, Jerry!  
Actor #1: I know, but damn, I'm horny, and I haven't masturbated for a week.  
Director: Dammit, Jerry! Do it again, but this time keep your hands out of your pants!  
Cloud: Excuse me? I'm here to pick up a check for five thousand gil.  
Director: What?  
Cloud: The Network sent me a letter, telling me to come up here and pick up a check for a TV show my friends and I took part in last year.  
Director: Uh huh, and, uh, what show was that?  
Cloud: "Life at 7th Heaven".  
Director: Huh?  
Cloud: It was a reality show that aired for two weeks last November.  
Director: Really?  
Cloud: I was one of the stars. You don't recognise me?  
Director: No.  
Cloud: Oh. Well, could you just tell me how I can pick up my check and then I'll be on my way.  
Director: You'd best talk to one of the executives. They'd probably be able to help you. (to an executive, talking to a writer) Hey, uh, Chong?  
Executive: What?  
Director: There's a kid here who wants to talk to you about some check he's owed or something.  
Executive: (walks over) What can I do you for, kid?  
Cloud: I'm no kid, sir. I'm twenty one.  
Executive: Don't I know you from somewhere? You look kind of familiar.  
Cloud: The name's Strife. Cloud Strife. I used to be on TV until the show was cancelled for... come to think of it, I don't exactly remember why it was cancelled.  
Executive: Ah, yes. I know the show you're talking about. I came up with the idea for it after seeing the show's characters make fools of themselves during a current affairs report by one of our top reporters, Johnny Narwall.  
Cloud: Yeah, and we had a letter this morning telling us to come up here and collect our check.  
Executive: Say no more, kid. I'll go get you your check. Wait here. (walks off)  
Director: Cut! You're an idiot, Jerry! My God, a chocobo could act better than that!  
Chocobo: (from "Brokedown Prison") I should say, I won an Oscar once.  
Director: You're a disgrace to the acting profession, Jerry. You're fired.  
Actor: Fired? Ah, man. (walks off)  
Director: Dammit! Now we need a new Todd. (spots Cloud, taking his check from the executive) Hey, you there!  
Cloud: Yeah?  
Director: Not you, you idiot. Chong.  
Executive: Yeah?  
Director: I've just fired the guy who plays Todd. I'm gonna need ya to fix me up with a replacement.  
Executive: Fine. Just give me a few days to make a couple of calls.  
Director: We haven't got a few days. We're running behind schedule as it is. We need a qualified actor now.  
Executive: Hmm, well, there is someone... Mr. Strife, how'd you like to be a big TV star?  
Cloud: I'd prefer to be a big movie star, but, eh, I'm not a picky man.  
  
(Cut to the television studio, later.)  
Cloud: But, Mr. Chong, sir, I'm not an actor. I'm a mercenary for hire.  
Executive: Nonsense. You worked on "Life at 7th Heaven", didn't you?  
Cloud: Yeah, but that had nothing to do with acting.  
Executive: The final episode did. You were rehearsing for three days straight. I also happen to know you used to be in a band, am I correct?  
Cloud: You mean Lucky Five, that one-hit wonder band?  
Executive: If being in a band isn't some warped sense of acting, then I'm a behemoth. Further proof that you have the acting skills needed for this job.  
Cloud: Well, I guess...  
Executive: (to the director) Meet your new Todd. Cloud Strife.  
Director: Nice to meet you, Cloud. (hands Cloud a script) Now get rehearsing! You're on in twenty minutes!  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Barrett and Tifa are sitting at the table. Cloud walks in.)  
Tifa: Where the hell have you been, Cloud? You've missed lunch.  
Barrett: Yeah, an' if ya think I'm takin' my socks off again, ya can forg't it.  
Cloud: Tifa, Barrett, I'm a star!  
Barrett: What the Reno and Rude are ya talkin' about, spikey?  
Cloud: Get this: I went up to the studio to pick up our check, like Tifa asked, but it didn't end there. No, no, no. One of the actors from "Natural Causes" was fired for being incompetant, so they hired me to take his place.  
Barrett: Awesome! You got our check?  
Tifa: Wait a second, you're going to be a television star?  
Cloud: I already am. I shot my first scene two hours ago. It'll be broadcast tonight at eight o'clock.  
Tifa: So, you're a television star?  
Cloud: Yes, siree. You may bow down before me now, mortals.  
Barrett: I jus' want my check...  
  
(Cut to the basement, that night. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa are sitting on the couch, watching TV.)  
Cloud: Ah, my television debut. I wish Aeris was here to see this.  
Tifa: Relax, I'm taping it. She can watch it when she comes back from her "spiritual journey".  
Announcer: (on TV) Now on Shin-Ra TV, "Natural Causes". This programme contains strong language and scenes of a sexual nature.  
Cloud: Here it comes! Here it comes!  
  
(Cut to the TV screen.)  
Cloud: Honey, I'm home!  
Actress: (from the bedroom) Oh, yes! Yes! Yesss!  
Cloud: (suspiciously) Yes, uh, it is very exciting that I am home, honey...  
  
(Cut to the bedroom. The actress and another actor are in bed together.)  
Actress: Crap! It's Todd! Quick, out the window!  
Actor #2: When will I see you... again?  
Actress: Tomorrow afternoon Todd's going overseas for an important meeting with some potential clients. Swing by around nine o'clock after he leaves for work. That'll give us two hours before he comes home again to pack. (the other actor climbs out of the window as Cloud walks in) Todd!  
Actor #2: (falls out of the window) Aaagh!  
Cloud: Julia, what's going on...?  
Actress: Todd, I...  
Cloud: Oh, Julia, tell me. Tell me it isn't true. Tell me you didn't... sleep with Chad.  
Actress: I'm sorry, Todd, but I... can't do that.  
Cloud: Then...? Oh, God, no... Julia, how could you?  
Actress: I didn't mean to Todd. It was just a spur of the moment thing.  
  
(Cut to Cloud, Barrett and Tifa on the couch.)  
Actress: (on TV) I'd had a lot to drink, he told me I had a nice body, he put his hand up my skirt and, well, do I really need to go on?  
Cloud: Well, whaddya think? Blockbuster-style material or what?  
Barrett: So, they honestly expect us to believe that that guy's Todd?  
Cloud: What guy?  
Barrett: The spikey haired guy.  
Cloud: You mean me?  
Barrett: Oh, that's you? I thought you were the guy in bed with Julia.  
Cloud: No, I'm the guy playing Todd.  
Barrett: Eugh, the illusion is lost on me now. I watch this soap to get away from the people in my life. I'm goin' for a beer. (leaves)  
Cloud: You liked it, didn't you, Tifa?  
Tifa: No offence, Cloud, but I preferred the old Todd. He was hotter. (leaves)  
Cloud: Ah, man, I'm a total wash out!  
  
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, the 33rd floor, the television studio, Chong's office. Cloud walks in.)  
Cloud: You wanted to see me, Mr. Chong?  
Executive: Yes. Sit down, Cloud.  
Cloud: It's about "Natural Causes" isn't it? You're firing me aren't you?  
Executive: We're not firing you, Cloud. We're letting you go.  
Cloud: Oh. (pause) Wait a minute, isn't that the same thing?  
Executive: True, true. But "letting you go" sounds a little less harsher than "firing you", don't you agree?  
Cloud: (sadly) Yeah. Hey, do you mind if I ask why I'm being... let go?  
Executive: People don't like the new Todd. They think he's too... unbelievable.  
Cloud: In the good way or the bad way?  
Executive: The bad way, obviously. Look, Cloud, it's nothing personal. It's just once people get used to a certain character being in a show, and then that certain character gets changed or replaced with someone completely different, those people can get kind of pissy. Like I said, it's nothing personal.  
Cloud: Okay, if that's the case, and it has nothing to do with my awful acting skills, then how about you have a new character come into the show, and then I could play him?  
Executive: I'm going to be honest with you here, Cloud. Your acting sucks.  
Cloud: Oh.  
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Cloud is walking towards 7th Heaven. People are pointing and laughing.)  
Man #1: Hey, look, everybody! It's that jerk loser who thinks he's Todd Kya!  
Woman #1: Oh, yeah. You think you can waltz straight into our lives and expect us not to kick up a stink about it, mister?  
Woman #2: Yeah! We're not like Julia, buddy! We can't just make like pretend you're Todd!  
Man #2: Why don't you go back under whatever rock you crawled out of, and leave us "Natural Causes" fans with the likable characters?  
Woman #3: Yeah! The original Todd was way hotter than you anyways!  
Man #3: Yeah, that's right!  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud is sitting at the bar. Tifa is serving beer.)  
Cloud: (to Tifa) The next time you want something from somewhere, you can get it yourself.  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
